When I win the Battle of the Bands I will be rolling in the Benjamin’s and then I’ll pay your stupid rent. WHEN I CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MOUNT ROCK DEWEY Ned. DEWEY So I shouldn’t pay the rent then? NED Dewey. If you don’t pay rent, Patty might leave me. DEWEY I don’t want to try! Ned?! I’ve been mooching off you for years and it’s never been a problem before. It’s called “growing up”! You should try it. What’s happened to you? You used to be a blood sucking, cross-dressing incubus from Maggot Death! NED That’s not who I am anymore PATTY He’s moved on, Dewey. You can’t have forgotten what I’m playing for. Pay some rent! DEWEY Tell her, Ned! The Battle of the Bands is in three weeks! I need every penny I make! PATTY So do we! And you know what? It belongs to us! Why don’t you sell that stupid guitar?ĭEWEY (Lunging for guitar) Noooo! Would you ask Picasso to sell his guitar? PATTY Oh my God, you’re an idiot. PATTY I don’t care what you think of us, Dewey. NED I’d like to see you try it! DEWEY Sweet comeback, bro. I serve the Mayor of this city – the whole city – and Ned… Ned has the most important job there is! DEWEY Temping? PATTY Teaching! A substitute teacher is not a temp! DEWEY He’s a babysitter. PATTY Well, sorry to disturb your beauty sleep, but we’re going to work now, Dewey. DEWEY You woke me up for that? PATTY Yes, we woke you up for that!! DEWEY I am so sick and tired of being the guy everyone comes to for the money I owe them. He stumbles out of bed with a start.ĭEWEY Patty! What do you want? PATTY The rent. Dewey? Dewey! PATTY Wake up, Dewey! Time to get up! She rips the covers off Dewey. Go! Do it! DEWEY (Talking in his sleep) Yes, I understand guacamole is two dollars extra… NED Dewey. It’s like using a beehive as a piñata – it’s dangerous! PATTY You can’t live your life letting people push you around. He’s rude to me, and it’s time he paid some rent! NED Waking him up in the morning is a bad idea. He’s a freeloader, Ned, and he never pays rent. PATTY What does that mean? He’s been here longer than me so I matter less? NED No, Patty-cake, of course not, it’s just – we went to High School together, we were in a band together. SCENE TWO Dewey’s Bedroom NED Do we have to do this now? PATTY Yes, he’s trashed the house again, I’m sick of it! NED He’s lived here a long time. THEA Dewey cut it out! Dewey! Dewey! BOB Dewey! What are you doing?! DEWEY Thank you New York! Goodnight! THEA That’s it, I’m done with that guy. THEA You wanna know what happened Just look me in the eye Face it babe the answer’s Plain to see DEWEY Plain to see! Yeah! THEA I’m too hot for you DEWEY Me too! THEA I know, it’s so unfair DEWEY SO unfair! Baby! THEA I’m too hot for you And you’re just kinda there! I’m too hot for you Dewey begins to play a wild guitar solo. DEWEY Let’s pick it up now guys! THEA Baby don’t feel sorry I know how hard you tried I guess some things they just Ain’t meant to be DEWEY YEAH! I’M TOO HOT FOR YOU JEFF … And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: No Vacancy! THEA Hey! We’ve been together Such a long long time It’s been a great three days you know it’s true But now I can’t help thinkin’ Something isn’t right And honestly it isn’t me it’s you… I’m too hot for you Babe you just can’t deny I’m too hot for you The mirror doesn’t lie Thought you’d past the test But you’re a six at best I’m too hot for you So let’s just say goodbye. Music by Andrew Lloyd Webber Lyrics by Glenn Slater Script by Julian FellowesĪct I SCENE ONE Olympic Powerhouse 1.
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